Quarterly Discussion 2009: First Quarter

[Admin]

Internet Dating and Long Distance Relationships

What does it take to find true love? Can it exist between two computer monitors and masses of copper?

With the Zarathushti population spread out in pockets around the world, the Internet has become a power tool in bringing our community together.

Do you believe romantic relationships can be built and carried with thousands of miles separating a couple?

Would you be willing to be romantically involved with someone you had only first met over the Internet?

Can true love be found without even having met someone in the flesh?

[Jimmy]

Internet Dating and Long Distance Relationships

What does it take to find true love? Can it exist between two computer monitors and masses of copper?

With the Zarathushti population spread out in pockets around the world, the Internet has become a power tool in bringing our community together.

Do you believe romantic relationships can be built and carried with thousands of miles separating a couple?

Would you be willing to be romantically involved with someone you had only first met over the Internet?

Can true love be found without even having met someone in the flesh?

It takes will thats for sure. You have got to want it, and be open to it, and of course have the right person to talk to, who is equally as accepting and open. It can exist between two compter screens, as much as I would have argued otherwise earlier. Though there is always a nagging question in the back of your head... is the person that im going to meet really like their online persona? What are they really like in real life. Luckily though, if you talk to someone everyday for hours on end for an extend period of time, their nuttieness (and yours) will eventually creep out so there isnt much to hide behind. When you do actually meet that person in real life, they are pretty much what you are expecting. Typically you also precondition yourself to exagerate the points which you think may be rubbing points so that when you meet them in real life, they arent as big a deal as you may have thought. In the end I think that relationships that start online have a little bit more of a chance than relationships that start in real life. Real life first encounters can be extremly harsh, and people including ourselves can be really judgemental, and you never know what boats you miss that way. But when you are in a relaxed online setting where you can think out your words fully before you type, hehe, theres less of a chance for miscommunication.... Although blunders over IM are always bound to happen ;-)

[Nasha]

Internet Dating and Long Distance Relationships

What does it take to find true love? Can it exist between two computer monitors and masses of copper? To find true love, you need an open mind. Don't give up on possible love because the person is thousands of miles away. Sure, you can't see the person every week, but good things come to those who are patient. :)

Do you believe romantic relationships can be built and carried with thousands of miles separating a couple? If you are willing to, definitely.

Would you be willing to be romantically involved with someone you had only first met over the Internet? Yes (and very happy that I did).

Can true love be found without even having met someone in the flesh? This works two ways - good and bad. If you speak to them online, they can lie to you and make up a whole bunch of nonsense. However, if you talk to that person online over an extended period, you'll be able to understand them better and really get to know them. However, I'm sure everyone has come across this issue. Msn, Aim, Yahoo, etc - it's hard to understand if the person is being sarcastic or actually is being serious.

[Jimmy]

Very true Nasha. I guess I have only had the good fortune of getting to know very high quality people online :) Just use your good judgement.

Yes, or when people mistype or misspell (myself included) lol. Some even have this really really abridged shortform thats only intelligible by them I think because otherwise I dont know how people can understand them heh. But overall, I would recommend it to all my Z and nonZ buddies alike. I actually got a couple of my friends together with their current gf's just by prodding them to search online.

[Jimmy]

Also is this replacing topic of the month? Not a bad Idea.

[Parizad]

I'm a reluctant believer in e-love. That's not to say that the many friends and acquaintenaces I have had over the years have not found their one-and-only via online means but is e-love really for everyone? I don't think so. I agree with Jimmy, you sure do have to have the will for it. Does everyone? No. Do I? I don't think so. There's something lost when we result to emoticons and abbreviated loves (e.g. the infamous bracket 3 heart <3 or the 183 code or the abbreviated ilu for those extreme measures). Of course these actions warrant good feeling and affection for the other person but I think the world has gotten a little lazy in its efforts when we choose to e-date exclusively.

Please don't get me wrong... I am not against any two people finding a way to be in a relationship with one another nor am I opposed whatsoever to those who find their loves via online means. Chat programs, networking and dating sites have definitely had their successes but it's the choice of two individuals to sustain their relationship by these means alone. Are you willing to make the effort to visit one another or would you rather send them a Zpeakerbox private message (shameless plug) to tell that person you love them. If you're willing to make the effort to be with that person physically, then I don't think this qualifies the relationship to be an online relationship anymore.

Call me an old fashioned romantic but does anyone write love letters anymore? You know, the old way of taking a pen to a piece of paper and worrying that your writing is pretty and the ink doesn't smudge. When was the last time you wrote a Valentine's Day card and asked someone to be yours?

I think any relationship can develop online. I think the internet is a good source of finding those really great people we may never have crossed paths with otherwise. But can relationships of any kind sustain without face-to-face contact? I don't think so, especially when it comes to romantic ones. At the end of the day, if all you've got is a computer and the internet between you, how do you really know if the person on the other side is the person you think they are?

[Nasha]

Call me an old fashioned romantic but does anyone write love letters anymore? You know, the old way of taking a pen to a piece of paper and worrying that your writing is pretty and the ink doesn't smudge. This is sort of random, but I found this comment very sweet, and yes, true. Not a lot of people do this anymore. The meaning of being romantic and loving has, in my opinion, gone down over the years. Maybe from too many disappointing relationships...who knows.

But can relationships of any kind sustain without face-to-face contact? I don't think so, especially when it comes to romantic ones.
You definitely make a good point here. If it's a romantic relationship, the whole point is to meet physically and see each other. Relationships can start off online, but it's best to meet after that in person.

[tehminator]

Hi everyone

I am new to zpeakerbox so it’s really nice to meet all of you! However, I am not new to online dating, having done it or at least tried doing it for the past few years! I must confess that at first, I felt exactly like Parizad and was a cynical believer in e – love. Given my lifestyle, constant travel and lack of Zoros wherever I lived, I decided to take advantage of my laptop and find love!

From my experience, it does work BUT it all really depends on the individuals involved. As Jimmy says it does take will power combined with an open willingness to tread a new, unknown territory. I took a leap of faith, a few times actually! Whilst I am no expert on these online alliances, I have learned that although romance can be created between two people in remote parts of the world, even with bad internet connections, it is best to always meet SOON in person rather than delaying this.


I know it is hard sometimes as one might ask what is soon – will I look too keen? Flights cost a lot! How can I meet someone for the first time without knowing them well enough?! Those nerves and fears need to be dealt with, which is hard. I was dating a guy who was lovely, online. We had great chemistry, online. In person, the chemistry was non existent! This was of course disappointing but I learned sometimes this is inevitable with such encounters as Nasha says, it works both ways.


Another person I met was fantastic and exactly as I had perceived after hours of talking online everyday. However the second time we met up and spent more time together, he was quite the contrary and our online romance died like a bad wireless connection.

For now, I am not entirely convinced that meeting someone online is the best way to find true love, but having said that, I still believe it is possible. Another bit I discerned from these internet romances is that some amount of forward thinking is required. For instance if the guy is in Australia and you are in Canada and neither of you wishes to move continents, quit jobs or learn a new language – STOP dating him immediately. I know love can move mountains and change rigid mindsets but if you know from the outset that a future looks bleak, don’t waste too much time getting carried away, which is very easily done online! Guilty :p

And oh yeah, one last insight – a lot of trust is needed, sometimes too much too soon and the natural evolution of certain emotions is sucked out of dating online.



Have any of you guys had much success - if so, you could try positively shifting my outlook on this, which is mixed at the moment!?


It really comes down to whether you want it and how well you handle long distance, I think….?! :p

[Jimmy]

Hey Tehminator! (is your name Tehmina btw? hehe if so nice nick :P

you definitely shouldnt give up hope with the online thing. Sure you may have met a few people who werent up to expectation, but keep trying. You know, dating in real life works exactly this way too! If you are serious about finding a parsi/zoroastrian and dont have any in your area... unless your mom has some majeno chokro to hook you up with, (and even if she did that has such a stigma but perhaps thats a topic for another thread) that you pretty much have online dating as your only means to get to know someone. Congresses are also a good way of finding someone... but thats not online :P

Cast a big net, dont just rely on one site. I also agree that you should try and meet people as soon as possible and decide to meet them only if you feel there is a serious chance for a long term relationship. If there are major hangups, then meeting them may just be a vacation at best. with regards to how soon is too soon? I dont know 6 months? though some people have different time frames in mind so its always best to talk about it with them. Im sure if you converse enough the topic will come about by itself!

Welcome to ZB and I hope I see more posts by you. hopefully one in the new member introductions too :)

[tehminator]

Thanks Jimmy - for the encouraging boost! You're right, given the limited options and the need to 'find my own man' instead of having my mum pick him, I will keep trying online :o Also, good tip on casting a wide net, lol (have you been talking to my mother?!)

It's hard when you have a couple of negative experiences to bounce back with more hope but it's all in the mind huh, I suppose?!

Did you meet your other half online?

And yeah, as for the time factor, it is all very circumstantial and varies from couple to couple and is best to talk it through.

I want to hear more success stories about online dating and what is hard about them and what is fun!

Is it easier to fall in love online than in person...? If so then is that 'real' love?

PS- thanks! Guilty, it is Tehmina!

[tehminator]

And oh, thanks for the welcome Jimmy!

[Roopkirani]

At the end of the day, if all you've got is a computer and the internet between you, how do you really know if the person on the other side is the person you think they are?

That's where trust comes into play. One would need to be willing to take that risk. Relationships that develop online require a different level of trust all together. One gets to know someone in an entirely different (and possibly more difficult) dimension. It's up to the two people involved to take the relationship to the next step and work at growing together as a couple after having actually met in person.

I'm a firm believer that true love can be found and maintained (temporarily) over the Internet. If two people have the will to start and continue a relationship despite thousands of miles separating them, distance is merely a small obstacle towards something great. Long distance relationships are by no means easy, don't get me wrong. These kind of relationships require a significant amount of sacrifice and can put you through immense heartache but they can also be very rewarding, especially when you've found the person you vow to spend the rest of your life with.

Have any of you guys had much success - if so, you could try positively shifting my outlook on this, which is mixed at the moment!?

Tehmina, my husband and I dated online via MSN (and the phone) for 7 months before we actually met in person. We had actually declared each other as BF/GF without having even seen each others' faces except through photographs. After we met, we continued a long distance relationship for nearly 4 years, meeting once (sometimes twice) a year, until he was able to move to be with me in Ottawa.

Depending on what stage two people are at in their lives, holding and maintaining an LDR can be more manageable than for others. In our case, we were both still completing our undergrads and in no hurry to find a spouse (although, Paakzaad might tell you otherwise). We also both highly valued and desired to be with another Zarathushti; hence why we both really made an effort to make our relationship work.

So, to answer the initial question in this thread, finding true love takes (but is not limited to) will, trust, patience and a little bit of sacrifice. Can it exist between two computer monitors and masses of copper? Yes. Throw in a web cam and a few phone cards and it can definitely work :D

[Jimmy]

Ooo ok I was right. Tehmina it is :) I wouldnt have thought of it if this wasnt a Z site hehe .

Yep Benaisha and I first met online, and it was around only 9-10 months later that we actually met in real life. Before I met Benaisha I firmly held the belief that it was impossible to fall in love with someone you had never met before over the internet/phone. I was resistive at first but after a while it becomes undenyable. Ive known people who absolutly refuse to say 'i love you' when its so obvious they do untill 'after the second time' they meet their significant other. Though you do have to question the depth of the love for a person you have never met. Just because you may have strong feelings, does not mean a relationship will bloom, as you said. But if you get that far, the chances are actually quite high that it will.

Another peeve of mine when i was scouting for prospects was a lack of substance in the persons's online profile. If you have ever looked you will know what im talking about. "I AM A FUN GIRL AND ENJOY EATING" and thats literally all they write in their profile. Or sometimes nothing at all! Now if you are lucky like someone I know, (ahem Bennie) even if you do write nothing at all you still may meet your other half, but I wouldnt bank on that! Another thing is giving away too much info in your profile. There has got to be a balance "I AM MY TOWNS GULAB JAMUN EATING CHAMPION" may not be the best thing to mention publically either! hehe. There has got to be a fine balance.. dont flood the water with worms but at the same time dont leave an empty hook.

You dont at all seem like the type to do either of the two extremes, but just thought I would throw that out there.

[Roopkirani]

Also is this replacing topic of the month? Not a bad Idea.

Yes, Jimmy. We're always looking for ways to improve the site :D Thanks for your feedback.

[Bennie]

Another peeve of mine when i was scouting for prospects was a lack of substance in the persons's online profile. If you have ever looked you will know what im talking about. "I AM A FUN GIRL AND ENJOY EATING" and thats literally all they write in their profile. Or sometimes nothing at all! Now if you are lucky like someone I know, (ahem Bennie) even if you do write nothing at all you still may meet your other half, but I wouldnt bank on that!

God was on my side :p because he knew what a monumental task I had in front of me ...being a girl living on my own and all, and also because he thought Jimmy would be perfect for me! The website that Jimmy and I officially met thru was the first matrimonial website I subscribed to. I am sure most of you would understand the scared 'I am just going to browse the choices' types ;)

It took me a few tries and a few months before I wrote anything and more months before I posted some pictures. By the time I posted pictures, I was pretty high from the excitement of meeting people! :D

In hindsight, I should have just gone all gung ho right from the beginning! It was WAY MORE exciting when I just threw myself out there! Jimmy, that would have made you real happy huh?:)

[tehminator]

Hi Roopkirani!
Trust is so vital to any relationship but especially an online one, separated by distance. This is where I have been hurt having taken the risk and trusted. With me it was innocent until proven guilty. Now I think I may try guilty until proven innocent, lol?! :rolleyes:


I guess I have met guys who have not been as willing or courageous to continue doing LD and now will look out for a person who is ready to make that sacrifice or commitment, then I guess I know it is worth it. And oh yeah another topic for another time or when we all meet is how do you guys know that he or she is THE ONE!! I would love to know :p

And WOW, OMG, 4 years separated by distance and a few meetings, that is simply AMAZING! I suddenly have a lot of hope now and am smiling. Congrats to you and your other half on tying the knot :)

[tehminator]

Hi Jimmy
Haha, yeah the Z site is a dead giveaway for a name like that

I guess your paradigm shift or a change of heart came about cause Benaisha was the right perfect person for you! I suppose if you met someone who was not 'right' for you, you might have still held on to the belief that you can't fall in love with someone you have never met before?

And yes, very true - it is important to discern the depth and genuineness of the feelings as those rose tinted glasses, as cliched as it sounds will fizzle out or the strong feelings may not be that strong.

Thanks for the tip on what amount of balance to strike when creating a profile. I actually find I have no trouble meeting guys online, based on my profile. Perhaps trouble in meeting the right one, lol!

Bennie - nice meeting you! I shall try and go gung ho too!!

[Jazzi]

[QUOTE=tehminator] Now I think I may try guilty until proven innocent, lol?! :rolleyes:
QUOTE]

you should deffo go with that....not trying to be pessimistic, but it is the safest and most sensible way.

[Paakzaad]

I never judged any form of dating whether it was long distance or not. Roopkirani and I just started talking as friends at first. I was in university far away from home, and going online to talk to friends and family was a daily activity.

I got extremely attached to Roopkirani through this medium. I don't know who started liking who first, but as soon as I knew about my feelings I asked her if hers were the same. She took some time but then she agreed that she had the same feelings as well.

We stretched our LD/online relationship for almost 4 years before actually getting together permanently. I don't think I will ever forget that phase in our relationship and all its trials. It definitely makes me value it more.

[Kershan]

Paakzaad I've got to applaud you and the many other couples that work on a long distance relationship for so long before one partner decides to move closer to the other. It definitely takes a lot of commitment and determination.
I find that many of us, especially those of us that are engrossed in the western culture tend to look for the immediate gratification of a modern relationship. In this sense, so much emphasis is placed on the physical part of the relationship. Take for example a typical way young people may hook up within the same city. Two people may be dancing in a club, find each other cute, hot, or interesting, dance with each other, flirt, and exchange numbers for a possible date in the future. In this situation there is at least that initial physical attraction. Everything else seems to fall around this point. I kind of fell into this trap when I was younger. I couldn't imagine a long distance relationship for more than a one or two months. Now however, I actually favour a long distance relationship. But I still would want to meet the person at least once in person. At least if I saw the person first and knew that there were "sparks flying," I'd much prefer to be in a long distance relationship as it forces me to take things slow and not jump in too deep at first.

[tehminator]

Hi Paakzaad, I have to agree with Kershan, I salute all of you couples who make LDRs work and are so sincere and willing to make them work at the same time.

[Jimmy]

Another thing about LDR, especially ones where its semi blind, i.e. only seeing pictures or webcam of the other person, but never met them in person...yet. The typical bias that you tend to hold (everyone has them, and they are based usually off things that dont really matter) when you judge someone upon first sight gets nullified, and you can manage any 'quirks' that you might have that might stop someone from passing judgment on you too quickly. For example, when I meet people face to face for the first time I can be pretty shy. If someone was the type where the opposite was the case and perhaps they are too outgoing, and say stuff they probably shouldnt, they can use the opportunity to look at the text on the screen before hitting enter :P Doing it the way we discussed allows you to view the person for who they really are I believe.

[Roopkirani]

I'm curious to know why one would "never consider it".

[ana]

Probably because they know themselves and what they want/need in a relationship. I guess it depends on how much patience a person has too.

If they know or can take a guess at how they would react to the absence of their partner/spouse, and knew it wouldn't last then I guess they would not want to get into something they can't handle in the first place.

Or if they've had previous negative experiences, I can understand why they would not want to get into that again.

[Noushin]

And I paraphrase/quote from a recent conversation with a work colleague:

I feel like a "failure" if I have to "resort" to such a mode of dating.

It's unfortunate that there is still such a stigma associated with online dating, specifically when people would like to try it but are more concerned with how it would look to other people.

[ana]

And I paraphrase/quote from a recent conversation with a work colleague:

I feel like a "failure" if I have to "resort" to such a mode of dating.

It's unfortunate that there is still such a stigma associated with online dating, specifically when people would like to try it but are more concerned with how it would look to other people.

That's pretty damn pathetic.

It's sad how much some people care about what others think. So what if people have negative opinions? They can shove it - cause in the end it's not you, your spouse and "all those people with their opinions", it's just you, your spouse and your family (if you decide you want one).

[Farrahnaz]

Hi everyone!

So I'm in a very very very long distance relationship (Canada - Australia). It's still pretty early on with us, but I've decided...................the two best inventions, EVER, are:


1. Congresses. GO TO THEM!!


2. Skype. it's FREE, and awesome, and much better than typing to someone if you want to get a real sense of who they are.



And that is all. Oh yea, and Sharon & Paakzaad are my 'LDR' idols. I have a picture of them next to Zarathutra that I pray to every night. KIDDDING!!! But seriously. The picture is in my head. :)

[Paakzaad]

BLEHSS You little Bachhaa

[Jimmy]

Go Farrah...so you know, my sister ended up marrying the guy she was talking to from AU. And thats AFTER she said a year before "...I really dont think it would ever work out with anyone in AU thats just way too far..."

So hang in there!